Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
