oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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