Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
