thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
