It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He felt like a one man threesome
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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