Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
