If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Holy shit dude........stairs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
