I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
