One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
