He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
