she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
