He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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