How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
