i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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