Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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