My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
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If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He has the fingertips of a God
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