did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?