I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My dick has a subreddit
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.