I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
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How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference