Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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