the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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