There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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