Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
