we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
