do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
