I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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