The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
