god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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