you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
