I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
