remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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