I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
is it fun? or sober?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
