Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
