i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.