Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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