I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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