Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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