I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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