It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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