Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
