no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
