I feel great
I just peed on a car
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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