Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
