apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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