You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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