Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
