It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
