Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
