Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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