I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
