I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it hurts more in the daytime
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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