We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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