there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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