i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
