I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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