i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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