i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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