I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tell your sister to shave her snatch
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
