Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
