dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
